Farewell, mon amis
mood: 
numb
numbI want to begin by saying that I care very much, in one way or another, for everyone on here. You've been my friends through a lot of changes in my life, and your caring and support has meant more to me than words can express. For those of you to whom these words are a surprise, I'm sorry. It's not that you weren't trusted, it's that I didn't want conflict or drama or sides picked. I still don't. We still don't.
As months go by, as our lives go on from here, I worry that things will become strained, that life will become difficult(er), and that friendships will be lost. I'm sorry for that, but I believe with all my heart that this is the right decision.
Tim and I will be officially separating.
I don't really see the point in belaboring the issue, but I'll make a few statements.
One- I love Tim. I will not listen to anything negative about him or our relationship because it is/has been one of the best things in my life. I hope he feels the same way.
Two- I realize some of you will dislike me now/end our friendships. Realize that I've cared for all of the people I've met and befriended these past few years, and appreciate having made your acquaintance, but I fully understand that you care for your friend and hate seeing him hurt by someone who is putting him through pain and depression in these upcoming months. I still think it's best for both of us in the long run.
Three- I'll talk one on one about it, but I will not be chronicling this, other than my feelings, as I view our feelings and our relationship, even the possible dissolution of it, as a private thing. I desperately hope it remains private and amicable despite our (particularly his) public, online presence. I do not want online debate, flame wars, or anything causing hurt feelings that can never be assuaged.
Tim has been my biggest love, and one of my dearest friends, but we've become two separate people who are hurting each other more than helping, and resenting more than loving. We've tried counseling, we've gotten much advice and love and support from friends and family, and I don't regret anything, even getting married, because I do love him and at the time, it felt like the right step.
Unfortunately, our relationship has gotten to the point that an official separation is necessary.
Surprising to no one, I'm sure, I'm moving back to Champaign. I've considered moving back to my parents, but unanimously, folks seem to think that'd be a bad idea. Go figure. I'm not wanting to tell a ton of people about when, and while I appreciate emails, I'm going to be hiding out a bit, so don't be surprised if I don't respond to calls and messages as much as one might expect.
Tim's parents are sad but understanding; my parents are sad and disappointed. Thankfully, they're as supportive and loving as ever, which we both very much appreciate.
Sadly, I think a lot of what has kept us together these past few months is the idea of upsetting our friends and family, who mean so damn much to us, while we turned into quiet and lonely roommates.
Hopefully now, despite the pain and emotional turmoil ahead, things will be okay.
Tim could definitely use a ton of support coming up, and I hope friends will be there for him. Speaking completely from my side- seriously, while I do appreciate emails and other words of support, I will not take any negative talk about him or about our relationship. It is no one's business but our own. Tim's written a bit in his private journal with folks, and we've been notifying some friends, but I'm sorry for those who are just finding out and stunned.
That being said... I could definitely use friends when I get back to Champaign. If people are available for coffee and chilling, a heads up of willingness would be nice. I'm not going to assume at all... because we're both pretty scared about folks drawing lines in the sand.
Anyway, goodbye, old journal. Goodbye, some friends. It's been real.